Some days I sit and wonder
How different it could have been
If I hadn’t said those things to you
If you’d never replied to me
But then no doubt inside of me
Those feelings for you would still live
Although that’s not really much different
To how I’m coping now
The difference being of course
That my dreams of us lie in the dust
I know you don’t feel the same way
I can’t pretend anymore
I gave all power of choice to you
A most foolish decision if ever there was one
And coldly, heartlessly, for your heart was not involved
You delivered the verdict back to me
What was I expecting really?
What good could come out of an obsession like mine?
Yet I couldn’t help but hope and pray
Things would work out as I wished
Obsession and attachment are not
Any basis for a healthy love
And I know your true character
Why would I seek to be involved with someone like you?
And yet for some reason against all reason
That’s exactly what I hoped for
Or at least to get the opportunity
To realise you’re not ‘all that’ after all
But sometimes we have to move on
Without the chance to realise what a lucky escape we’ve had
Consequently always wondering
About the might have beens
I guess that girl must have been wrong
You’re not my twin flame after all
God knows why she told me that
What angst that information has caused
But maybe the whole point of that exchange
Was to result in my subsequent actions
Those I would almost take back now if I could
But if it meant losing the lessons too, forget it!
For though I look back with some dismay
What I have learnt from this period has been invaluable
To realise I would prostrate myself before someone like you
When you barely gave me a bone in response
I realised what a victim I’d become
To enable someone to treat me as you did
I realised I wished to be a victim no longer
And so I sought to change
I have to thank you my fair-weather ‘friend’
For in your lack of response
My actions were starkly revealed to me
And what was seen was far from pretty
Victim complex, co-dependency, inferiority complex
Someone who would permit ill treatment in order to receive ‘love’
Well if that’s what it takes to earn your love my dear
You can keep it! I don’t want anything to do with it!
Yes I still love you and probably always will
But my eyes are open now and the rosy glasses are broken
You have been one of my greatest teachers
But I have graduated from that school
No more will I accept
The kind of conditional love you dole out
If it has to come down to a choice between us
I choose me, you and your conditional love can get lost!
Unconditional love is the kind
Of love that I am looking for now
But first of all I have to find it within myself
Then I can find it on the outside
For that is another lesson I learnt from you
In you I was looking for what I lacked in myself
But in idolising you for giving me what I ‘needed’
I failed to see I could give it to myself instead
And what that would have saved!
No heartbreak, pain, despair
No desperately loving you while you couldn’t care less
No destructive obsession and torment
However, maybe I had to suffer that
To learn these lessons finally
To realise that what I was seeking from you
I actually needed to find in me
Maybe I had to endure this
To realise the importance of what I now know
You value that that you’ve had to work for
The knowledge I have now is priceless!
And maybe through my mistakes and failings
And the insights I have subsequently gleaned
I can help others to see that conditional love
Is not all it’s cracked up to be
The next person I welcome into my life
With open arms and heart
Has no choice but to accept me for whom I am
That’s the only way to love me now
And why should we try and change for another?
Is that truly going to make us happier beings?
Why should we be content with ill treatment?
With being thrown ‘bones’ as though that’s all we deserve?
I am sick of being a victim
I accept ill treatment no more!
I thank you my ‘friend’ for helping me to realise this
But I think it’s time I found a new teacher
I have grown through this pain and I am better for it
My friends we need not accept less: raise your standards; demand more!
If we do not accept ill treatment they can no longer dole it out
Love yourself unconditionally first; the rest of the world will follow
And is that not all our dream?
To be loved and adored exactly as we are?
Then make the choice to give that love to yourself
And see what wonders follow after
They can only control us if we let them
They can only disempower us if we permit them to
Join with me in choosing to be a victim no more!
You want my love? Then TREAT ME RIGHT!
Unconditional love or bust!