Seeking Equilibrium

I’m lacking energy again
A recurring theme I know
I guess it’s not really unexpected
In the week after the show

It doesn’t matter how long I sleep
Or how slowly I take the day
I still have this feeling of lethargy
That just won’t go away

It would appear I’m out of balance
That’s generally when I feel like this
When I just want to stay in bed all day
There’s really nothing to miss

Yet if I allow depression to take charge again
Not only will I not get anything done
But I run the risk of going high once more
And though that would probably be fun…

To be high can be pretty scary
No alcohol or drugs required
Suddenly you have too much energy
And then afterwards you are so tired

I don’t want to go high again
The last time was really frightening
And it can happen so quickly
Almost like being hit by lightning

I saw my counsellor today
The supremely amazing Nat
She told me I’d put a brick on my head again
And I needed to do something about that

We decided I was getting too much sleep
I need to get up earlier in the mornings
And I also need to start exercising again
Though my body appears to loathe jogging

I’ll have to try cycling instead
Or maybe briskly walking
But I have to do something otherwise
My moods will once more swing

So hopefully the proposed action plan
Exercise, yoga, meditation, and writing
Will result in a more upbeat mood
And a desire to get back into things…

But why is it that an equilibrium
Seems to be so hard for me to achieve?
To not be up nor down, to be ‘normal’
Why is that so hard for me?

Yet is there even such a thing?
What is ‘normal’ really?
Doesn’t ‘normal’ equal boring?
Is that what I want for me?

I need to accept myself as I am
If that has to be ‘Crazy Kat’, then that’s just how it is
I feel there’s more to me than that
But I don’t yet know how to show this

There must be a way to find a balance
Between my moods both low and high
Surely one day I will be able to manage this trapeze act
Without disappearing into the ground or the sky?

For that is something I dream of
To live without the safety nets of medication
There must be a way to do this
Could this be my vocation?

Surely at some point in the future
Emotional equilibrium will finally be mine?
But if that is to be, then I must believe in me
So my dream will come true when it is time


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