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Leader?

How is one meant to be a leader?
I only wish I knew
Are you born a leader?
Or is it just something you do?

For so long I have been a follower
A sheep amongst the herd
It’s hard to imagine being anything else
The idea seems quite absurd

And if I rise up in defiance
Choose to do things my own way
There will no longer be a place for me here
I’ll have to leave and start again

But no longer is the herd travelling
In a direction I wish to go
So it is time for me to take a stand
Where this will lead, god only knows

I have to be true to myself
There is no other way I can be
It’s time to put my ideas into practice
To make my dreams a reality

When you have to sacrifice yourself
In order to ‘belong’ somewhere
Then you have to ask is it worth it?
How much do you really care?

We are taught as little children
Conditioned to ‘fit in’
And if you don’t obey the rules
Expect exclusion and omission

I experienced that as well
Was the victim of numerous bullies
Still I can’t ignore my inner voice
Telling me to be true to me

So no longer do I choose
To be someone following the crowd
I choose to dream, I choose to dare
To live my life out loud

Whether I’m meant to be a leader
Will become apparent eventually
For now I choose to be true to myself
And accept that what will be, will be

For You 2

We meet so many people in our life
And many of them are wonderful
But it’s very rare we meet that person
With whom we’re completely compatible

Someone who complements us
Yet still allows us to continue to grow
Whom loves us just as we are
That’s incredibly special you know

This life is not an easy one
There will always be heartache we must go through
But this is so much easier to bear
When you are not one but two

And now you’re moving on to the next stage
For you have decided to spend your lives together
You will face the future side by side
No matter whatever the weather

You will commit to someone for a lifetime
To pledge to them in front of your loved ones
And this is truly the most amazing gift
You can ever give to anyone

May the two of you experience much joy
And know very little sadness
May you always love each other as much as you do now
May your hearts always be filled with gladness

May your lives be very happy ones
Indeed I wish you all the best
Congratulations on your engagement
May your marriage be a true success!

Seeking Equilibrium

I’m lacking energy again
A recurring theme I know
I guess it’s not really unexpected
In the week after the show

It doesn’t matter how long I sleep
Or how slowly I take the day
I still have this feeling of lethargy
That just won’t go away

It would appear I’m out of balance
That’s generally when I feel like this
When I just want to stay in bed all day
There’s really nothing to miss

Yet if I allow depression to take charge again
Not only will I not get anything done
But I run the risk of going high once more
And though that would probably be fun…..

To be high can be pretty scary
No alcohol or drugs required
Suddenly you have too much energy
And then afterwards you are so tired

I don’t want to go high again
The last time was really frightening
And it can happen so quickly
Almost like being hit by lightning

I saw my counsellor today
The supremely amazing Nat
She told me I’d put a brick on my head again
And I needed to do something about that

We decided I was getting too much sleep
I need to get up earlier in the mornings
And I also need to start exercising again
Though my body appears to loathe jogging

I’ll have to try cycling instead
Or maybe briskly walking
But I have to do something otherwise
My moods will once more swing

So hopefully the proposed action plan
Exercise, yoga, meditation, and writing
Will result in a more upbeat mood
And a desire to get back into things…

But why is it that an equilibrium
Seems to be so hard for me to achieve?
To not be up nor down, to be ‘normal’
Why is that so hard for me?

Yet is there even such a thing?
What is ‘normal’ really?
Doesn’t ‘normal’ equal boring?
Is that what I want for me?

I need to accept myself as I am
If that has to be ‘Crazy Kat’, then that’s just how it is
I feel there’s more to me than that
But I don’t yet know how to show this

There must be a way to find a balance
Between my moods both low and high
Surely one day I will be able to manage this trapeze act
Without disappearing into the ground or the sky?

For that is something I dream of
To live without the safety nets of medication
There must be a way to do this
Could this be my vocation?

Surely at some point in the future
Emotional equilibrium will finally be mine?
But if that is to be, then I must believe in me
So my dream will come true when it is time

Delay Tactics

I really don’t want to make this phone call
I’m so worried about what they might say
Who would’ve thought when I talked to them in January
That it would end up this way?

I keep trying to tell myself
That if it’s meant to be it will work out
But that’s not making me feel much better
Sitting here currently filled with doubt

It’s an 0800 number
I could call them now, get it over with
But that would involve asking the questions
And maybe hearing answers I don’t want them to give

Worst-case scenario would be
I have to do it all over again
If that is so how does that help me?
I can no longer pretend

I’ve had breakfast and cleaned up
Re-read over all my poetry
I’m running out of delay tactics
God, what is the answer going to be?

I thought I’d conquered fear
But it seems that I was wrong
I contemplate having to register again
And all my courage is gone

What did I say in January?
When I never wanted to practice again?
Surely I didn’t ask to be de-registered?
What a situation that would be to mend!

Surely I wouldn’t do something so extreme?
No matter my mental state at the time
Surely I wouldn’t do something so stupid?
Even if I’d really lost my mind?

People at the time warned me
“Be very careful of saying ‘never’”
And oh they were so much wiser than me
And knew so very much better

If my life is to go as I believe it is
Then something is going to work out here
I just need to stop being a coward
Face the music and my fear

So I’m going to make this phone call
And find out what the story is for me
All I can say is please wish me luck!
But I guess what will be, will be

For You 1

I promised you a poem
And I mean to keep that vow
But it’s not proving very easy
Writing to you right now!

I tried to come up with a topic
Something that you might like
About your hobbies, or life story
But it was going to be a real fight

So I have given in
Surrendered to the muse of poetry
What I’m going to write I do not know
What will be, will be

I contemplated ending here
And then restarting again
But that doesn’t feel quite right to me
Here isn’t quite the end

I had hoped to write something more for you
Something specifically yours
But I find I don’t have that control quite yet
I’ll have to practise a bit more!

So my fondest regards and congratulations
I wish you both the very best
And the next time I write a poem for you my dear
Here’s hoping for much greater success!

Insecurity

Constantly seeking reassurance
Confirmation that all is okay
Needing to know that people are happy with me
That I am good enough

Doubting myself all the time
What is it that they want?
Trying to be what I perceive it is
Others wish me to be

Why is it not sufficient
To know within myself
That I am everything I can be?
That all I can ever be is me?

Why don’t I believe I’m enough?
Why must I be someone else?
When all the pretence is stripped away
Who is left behind?

Going along with the crowd
Never wanting to cause a fuss
Even permitting ill treatment
To be liked and loved

Always follower never leader
Deferring to other’s decisions
Obeying the will of the group
Scared to stand up for myself

How did I become this way?
How did I forget who I am?
What has happened in my life
That I am now so insecure?

Why do I see others as better than me?
More important and necessary to please?
When I know they’re no different from me really
They have insecurities too

I don’t like the person I am currently
Who pretends to be less than she is
Truly how does the world benefit
From my having no self-confidence?

I’m sick of being so insecure
If I don’t believe in me, no one will
I’m going to learn my own worth
Find out who I really am

I know it will take a lot of effort
To realise I’m ok
For truly none of us is perfect
And that is okay too

So I choose to be myself
To no longer be a follower
This might involve some unpopularity
But it’s something I have to do

Insecurity is only fear
Holding us back and making us less
Fear of other’s disapproval
Fear of what we could be

I no longer wish to live in fear
I choose to be all that I can
So goodbye to you insecurity
It’s time to find out who I really am