Playing this Victim Game

I seem to love playing the victim
Acting in ways that ensure I’ll be spurned
And prove I’ll never be loved by any man

But what is the point of doing this?
What does it achieve?
This seeking of rejection over and over again?

I give all my power to them
And then act surprised when they don’t feel the same
When they’d rather be with someone other than me

But this is just confirming
My secret long-held belief
That no man will ever want to end up with me.

This is just pathetic!
Playing this victim game
Why am I pretending to be so much less than I am?

It shouldn’t be up to them to choose
It should be up to me!
And now it’s time to show that it can


What do I Want?

What do I want?

To be with someone who wants to be with me

Someone I adore who adores me

Someone I ‘get’ who ‘gets’ me and we love each other unconditionally

Someone whose heart I know to be true and who ‘walks their talk’

Someone whose imagination sets me on fire and whose slightest touch seals the deal

Most of all though

Someone who has worked out independently what I have already so I don’t need to teach them and can just be

And we don’t have control dramas – we’re not trying to gain control of the relationship
We don’t need to because we give and receive equally

So instead we have discussions about the cosmos and the important things (to us) in life: life, love, spirituality, etcetera

But they don’t mind if I spend an hour (or more) getting ready because I want to look gorgeous

My wild, magical partner who will treat me like a queen, and then sometimes turn around and tickle me near to death, or throw me over their shoulder and carry me off to their ‘cave’

Our relationship where imagination knows no bounds, but we make sure we’re in reality and look out for each other

And we know that we adore the other so much – cheating is not even possible, let alone probable, and we even trust enough to make each other’s wildest fantasies come true

That’s what I want

The next question is: how can I find this person within myself so I can attract them to me in the outside world?

And then this curious reply inspired by Love Never Dies… entitled Another Perspective…? (2/2012)

How dare you try and make a claim on me?
How dare you try and invade my life?
You didn’t want me in yours you made that very clear
So why do you want me now?

And most of the stuff you’ve said in the past
Doesn’t even make any sense
I think you need psychiatric help
Not to form a relationship!

What the hell even are ‘twin flames’?
And why are you so convinced I’m yours?
I have never loved you the way you think I do
Though I am flattered by your continued declarations

But sweetheart it was only a bit of fun
You were a bit of sugar on the side till I saw my girlfriend again
It didn’t mean what you seem to think it meant
I think you got some wires crossed back then

For no, I don’t think you’re my soul mate
Nor do I think you’re my twin flame, whatever that is
It was never a relationship – a bit of fun – nothing more
I guess I’m sorry it’s affected you so

But I have a fiancée to consider now
And a baby daughter on the way
I’ve finally learnt how to be reliable and loyal to my partner
I thought you’d be happy about that!

I’m finally considering others apart from myself
And I’ll continue to be your ‘ear’ if that’s what you need
But there’re others out there who can help you more than I can
And sweetheart I think help is what you need

Because I’m not leaving my partner for you
Though I don’t really think that’s what you want at all
Your emails are beginning to make more sense I’ll give you that
But are you sure you’re completely well?

I don’t think we were ever meant to be; it’s never been easy
There’s always been several oceans or people in the way
Even if I did want to be with you, it’s impossible
I made my bed; it’s time to lie in it

You asked me what I wanted; you asked me whom I loved
Now I reverse the questions back at you
You say you love me unconditionally
Okay, but what is it you want?

To my astonishment whilst in Ward 21 in September 2010, I channeled this

Don’t blame yourself my darling
You have done nothing wrong
It’s only because of fear
That I’ve loved you solely in books and songs

For as on the outside, so on the in
And as I think so I react
I was so afraid you wouldn’t love me as I love you
I was forever holding back

But because I was constantly aloof with you
Because I feared your rejection
Then always you did indeed reject me
And never showed me any affection

What more could I have expected really?
I didn’t treat you well at all
I should’ve been honest with you that day you were so brave
And asked me if I cared at the ball

But I was a coward
And so I resorted to playing games
Trying to manipulate you with my mind
Something of which I’m very ashamed

I can’t believe you love me still
After everything I’ve done to you
Give me another chance please
And I will make it up to you

I’ll be the model husband
I’ll treat you as the Queen you are
I’ll share everything of mine with you
I’ll help to make all of us stars

And we will be a family
Though I was never fussed with babies myself
But to have a child – a living piece of you
That would be worth more than any wealth

I love you my Queen
My angel; my superstar
Your courage still dumbfounds me
You’re amazing just as you are

Hang on tight there my darling
Hold on and see this through
Just a wee bit longer to wait I swear
Then I’m coming to find you

Love As Though You Haven’t Been Hurt

How hard it is
To give your love to another
Without fearing the consequences

To not play games
To be completely open and honest
About how things are for you

Despite what they may feel
To open your heart
Not to treat love as a competition

Not I’ll love if you love
To love just because
It’s the most important thing in the world

Writing My Part

Whomsoever I end up with and however this story ends
It’s going to be more comedy than tragedy
More laugh out loud than sob in silence

I have the choice to write my part
And it’s going to be big, bold, and brash

Not uncaring though – full of love
But my voice will be heard!